So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Drunk is a universal language darling
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
