When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
