It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
