A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
