dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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