I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
