i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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