White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
