You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
