I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize