Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize