I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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