I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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