Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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