i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
