Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
