Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
