I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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