I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
