You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Even my vagina gasped.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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