Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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