im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
