i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
