I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
