Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
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