you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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