Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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