Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize