My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
