having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
