I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
