I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
