I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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