Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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