You can't motorboat a personality
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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