so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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