I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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