A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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