im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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