thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
