Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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