I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
