i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
