I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
