The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
