part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
