I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize