i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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