So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
