Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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