so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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