nut hugger
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
