a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
