So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
