Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize