God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
