I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
