There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
