I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
