Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
