Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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