I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
