wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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