So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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