It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
