How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Text me some of your sweat
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
