i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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