I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
